Heya. I guess a lot of you have prolly noticed my conspicuous absence lately. As well as my profile is set to Away with reason "Life is difficult." And yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
When I joined the forum(2 years ago in 8 days), I was in very bad times. VERY bad. Suicidal bad. But the people I met here, coupled with serendipity turned that on it's head. I started doing better than I literally ever had. I tried to push myself to new heights(and often failed, but that was okay because failure is easier to tolerate when you aren't at the absolute bottom), made really good friends, and generally became much happier.
But since about March, things have been slowly falling apart. I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued forward, believing it just to be a rough patch. But slowly stress mounted, and I began dropping things one by one. Of course I dropped the least important things first, but as it continued I became unable to even deal with things very important to me(like the forum). And now here I sit.
I could tell you everything that is going on, but really it wouldn't be of any benefit. There is nothing aside from moral support that any of you can do. The big two though are that my addiction doctor refuses to see me any more(and hence the medication that stops me from relapsing and stops withdrawal is about to run out). Why? I don't know for sure. I was out of contact for months because of a broken car(though I did tell them this BEFORE I missed a single appointment), and I also failed two drug tests for methamphetamine (which I have NEVER touched). Take your pick. The result is the same - in less than 3 weeks I will run out. And then I can either relapse onto real drugs, or face down the worst withdrawal I ever have. And neither will lead me anywhere positive.
The other is that by January 2016 I will almost certainly have lost my place to live. I'll be homeless. The why of that is really complicated, and there is a very small chance it won't come to pass. But I'm pretty sure it will. And I have no means to dig myself out of the hole.
Those are the big things, and I've known they were coming for some time now. But nothing I've tried has been successful and as the time limit approaches I've gotten more and more unstable to the point where I am now. Where I am now I can barely handle any tiny little thing that gets in my way. I'm about to break. I probably will. All options exhausted. No way out.
There are numerous other smaller but still very important things, like my car being broken, my health, lots of pain that I can't fix, and the ever present romantic loneliness. All of these things together is too much. Stop the world and let me off. I can't deal.
I don't know what to do. I'm incredibly scared and helpless. I spend 90%+ of my time right here on my computer, on voice chat with my very good friends. We play stuff together, but even that is too much for me these past few days.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. I guess I feel I owe an explanation. I care about this place so much and it changed my life in such a positive way. I don't want to let it go.
So that's where I am. Only time will tell the outcome, but as time draws shorter, that outcome looks bleaker. No matter what, this forum and the people on it have given me more happy moments than anything else in my life. It saved me. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't joined. I was closer to the edge then than even now. I made precious friends. I found somewhere I belonged. Somewhere people like, trust and believe in me. Somewhere I matter. I've watched people come and go, and I've seen quite a few of you mature quite a lot in just two years.
This is my home.
This is where I belong.
And as long as I am physically able, I will do my best to give what I can back to it.
Never underestimate the power your words can have. Even on an Internet forum like this, words can make or break a person. They made me - saved me. On the other end of the text is a real person with real feelings, real problems, real lives. Never forget that. You can change a person's life in a place like this. Mine was. And I'm not the only one.
As for what happens from here... well I don't know. I'm still fighting to stop these things but my effort gets weaker by the moment. Maybe I will overcome it. Maybe I won't. I've been in worse situations, yet I am still here. So there is that. I've proven I can beat stacked odds before. I pray I can this time.
(Don't take this paragraph the wrong way - I don't expect anything like this to happen, it's really just a safeguard in case of the unforseen):
If something should ever happen that prevents me from ever posting again - whether I'm dead, or homeless, or in a hospital, or a prison, or who knows what - know that I will never forget the time I spent here. There are very few things in my life that remotely compare to my time here. Precious is the only word I can think of to describe it(and I just spent like 5 minutes thinking). All of you are embedded in my heart forever. I love this place. I love the people here. Nothing can take it from me.
This is my home.
~Was yea erra haf revm innna mea~
When I joined the forum(2 years ago in 8 days), I was in very bad times. VERY bad. Suicidal bad. But the people I met here, coupled with serendipity turned that on it's head. I started doing better than I literally ever had. I tried to push myself to new heights(and often failed, but that was okay because failure is easier to tolerate when you aren't at the absolute bottom), made really good friends, and generally became much happier.
But since about March, things have been slowly falling apart. I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued forward, believing it just to be a rough patch. But slowly stress mounted, and I began dropping things one by one. Of course I dropped the least important things first, but as it continued I became unable to even deal with things very important to me(like the forum). And now here I sit.
I could tell you everything that is going on, but really it wouldn't be of any benefit. There is nothing aside from moral support that any of you can do. The big two though are that my addiction doctor refuses to see me any more(and hence the medication that stops me from relapsing and stops withdrawal is about to run out). Why? I don't know for sure. I was out of contact for months because of a broken car(though I did tell them this BEFORE I missed a single appointment), and I also failed two drug tests for methamphetamine (which I have NEVER touched). Take your pick. The result is the same - in less than 3 weeks I will run out. And then I can either relapse onto real drugs, or face down the worst withdrawal I ever have. And neither will lead me anywhere positive.
The other is that by January 2016 I will almost certainly have lost my place to live. I'll be homeless. The why of that is really complicated, and there is a very small chance it won't come to pass. But I'm pretty sure it will. And I have no means to dig myself out of the hole.
Those are the big things, and I've known they were coming for some time now. But nothing I've tried has been successful and as the time limit approaches I've gotten more and more unstable to the point where I am now. Where I am now I can barely handle any tiny little thing that gets in my way. I'm about to break. I probably will. All options exhausted. No way out.
There are numerous other smaller but still very important things, like my car being broken, my health, lots of pain that I can't fix, and the ever present romantic loneliness. All of these things together is too much. Stop the world and let me off. I can't deal.
I don't know what to do. I'm incredibly scared and helpless. I spend 90%+ of my time right here on my computer, on voice chat with my very good friends. We play stuff together, but even that is too much for me these past few days.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. I guess I feel I owe an explanation. I care about this place so much and it changed my life in such a positive way. I don't want to let it go.
So that's where I am. Only time will tell the outcome, but as time draws shorter, that outcome looks bleaker. No matter what, this forum and the people on it have given me more happy moments than anything else in my life. It saved me. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't joined. I was closer to the edge then than even now. I made precious friends. I found somewhere I belonged. Somewhere people like, trust and believe in me. Somewhere I matter. I've watched people come and go, and I've seen quite a few of you mature quite a lot in just two years.
This is my home.
This is where I belong.
And as long as I am physically able, I will do my best to give what I can back to it.
Never underestimate the power your words can have. Even on an Internet forum like this, words can make or break a person. They made me - saved me. On the other end of the text is a real person with real feelings, real problems, real lives. Never forget that. You can change a person's life in a place like this. Mine was. And I'm not the only one.
As for what happens from here... well I don't know. I'm still fighting to stop these things but my effort gets weaker by the moment. Maybe I will overcome it. Maybe I won't. I've been in worse situations, yet I am still here. So there is that. I've proven I can beat stacked odds before. I pray I can this time.
(Don't take this paragraph the wrong way - I don't expect anything like this to happen, it's really just a safeguard in case of the unforseen):
If something should ever happen that prevents me from ever posting again - whether I'm dead, or homeless, or in a hospital, or a prison, or who knows what - know that I will never forget the time I spent here. There are very few things in my life that remotely compare to my time here. Precious is the only word I can think of to describe it(and I just spent like 5 minutes thinking). All of you are embedded in my heart forever. I love this place. I love the people here. Nothing can take it from me.
This is my home.
~Was yea erra haf revm innna mea~
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