So I haven't posted a wall of text in at least 3 days and that's unacceptable. The fact that I just made a joke like that feels really weird... I feel really weird. Something basically inevitable and very ***** happened today but somehow for the first time in my life I know exactly what I have to do. Even though things are worse(seriously), somehow I'm more calm. You'll see why if you read this post.
Today I had a tremendous amount to do. I had to go to Cullman and go to my Suboxone appointment, go to the pharmacy, go to the courthouse to get marriage/divorce certificates that Medicaid wants for their investigation of mom's finances, go to the health department for a death certificate for the same reason and lastly go to Wal-Mart and by mom a cell phone. Actually writing it out it doesn't seem like that much... but I've only been holding on by a thread these last few weeks and I've been dreading today. On top of that I didn't know where either the Courthouse or the health department was and my GPS doesn't want to work. On top of that of course it's ridiculously hot and I have no A/C in my car. And lastly on top of that I know my car could tear up at any time.
My car could tear up at any time. Yep, that feeling was right because it basically has. I made it to my appointment okay and got my medicine, and I made it to the courthouse. I was only able to get one of the documents they wanted(the divorce certificate for my mom's marriage to my dad). By that point I was fried from the heat and the inevitable finally hit. My car is basically fragged. It will go, but barely. Anytime you have to accelerate it just completely cuts out and dies. I stalled at literally about 20 different intersections today and nearly caused accidents several times. Every time I had to stop when I went to go again it stalled and I just basically had to randomly mash the accelerator, let off, mash it, let off until I could get back up to speed. I knew there was no way I could make it to the health department which was way out of the way but I did go to Wal-Mart and get mom's phone because it was on the way home anyway. Coming home wasn't as bad because there is less stop and go but I still stalled on several hills and dropped to like 25MPH in a 55 zone several times.
So at this point I can't make a trip like that in my car anymore. I could drive it around my local town which is only like a few blocks but that's it. Going any further would be tremendously dangerous both because I might have an accident and because the car might tear up completely. I'm not sure what's wrong with it, there is some things I'm going to check but this car is forever old(1993) with 250k miles and it's never been in good condition. I think it's basically just done.
I think though that I would have reached the conclusion I've reached even if that hadn't happened. I'm not cut out for this. I'm not good at the things that make the world go round. I never have been, not without help. On top of that I have to deal with SO MUCH MORE ***** than average people do. Every five seconds some catastrophe is happening. I'm very surprised I've made it this far. There is really only one thing keeping me going at this point and that's the support of my friends and Saki. Hell, that's the only thing that's been keeping me going for a while now.
I can barely keep my own ***** together and do the things I need to do to keep my own barely functional life situation intact. I mean just barely. You've no idea how many close calls I've had with almost not paying ***** on time, not getting to where I'm supposed to be, not having the house clean, not doing XYZ stupid thing I must do to avoid winding up on the street or worse. I've realized it now. I can only just BARELY keep my own ***** together. I'm not even sure if I can do that. But I do know this - I can't deal with anything but my own stuff from now on.
I can no longer be the "Medicaid Sponsor" for mom and drive all over the ***** world finding esoteric documents they want. I can no longer try to help my sister or my niece with their problems. I can no longer source things that mom wants bought with her money or manage her finances, or any of that *****. I can't make promises to anyone to do anything for any reason. It's as simple as that. Doing so has been putting way too much stress on me and it's a miracle I haven't broken by now. But I finally see today - it will literally be a ***** miracle if I manage to keep my own ***** together and nothing else. There is simply no way for me to succeed if I continue adding more work for myself the way I've been doing.
And you know what? I don't feel bad about it at all. As far as mom - I put in my time. I took care of her alone for five ***** years. I'm really sorry if the others don't do as good of a job as they should but I can't be responsible for that any more. I know you guys have told me that 100 times but I just couldn't let it go. But I have now. Beyond that it seems like it should be really simple to keep my own ***** together. It should be. But my pain has gotten so much worse that even going to the ***** grocery store for 20 minutes wrecks me. I can't keep my house straight, I can't cook for myself, half the time I can barely get through a bath. And my sleep disorder on top of that means most of the times I have to commit to doing X at Y time I won't have slept at all because I can't control when my body lets me sleep. Of course that makes things 10 times more difficult. And for whatever reason the world wants to constantly ***** on me far more than it does most people. I know everyone has problems and a lot of people have ***** lives but God damn. I cannot deny at this point anymore that things are just legitimately extremely unfair for me. Moreso than others. I don't know why. But they are. I've never said that before and I hope you don't take that as some sort of "pity party." Surely you guys can see the same truth.
So from now on I'm only going to focus on me. I'm only gonna worry about the things that directly affect my life and nothing else. Some people are gonna be pissed at me for that but let them. I dare them to be after I took care of things alone for 5 years. I'm sorry that my sister is having a legitimately difficult period in her own life right now but you know I had a LOT of difficult periods during those 5 years and I still had to do it. I'm sorry if she decides that she just can't do it either and so it doesn't get done and mom suffers. That's all out of my hands. If I continue like this I will certainly fail at my own life and then I wouldn't be useful for anyone else anyway. So now my base goal is simply to ensure that I have my own place to live and the bills are paid and my pets are taken care of. That's it. Everything else is out of my hands. I just can't do anymore than that.
I know I've been legitimately trying my very best and harder than I ever have. That's why I can say this now and not feel bad about it. I've never truly put my entire being into holding things together by myself before and now that I have I've seen firsthand that I'm just not very good at it. It's not my fault, I definitely didn't choose to be this way. I hate that it's like this, but I don't hate myself because I know if I could make things different I would. Fundamentally I know that in order to be remotely mentally stable and okay I need my own place to live that belongs to me(not somewhere like a jail or hospital or group home or any of that.) I have to hold on to that. I have to put all my focus in to that one thing to make sure I stand the best chance possible of holding on to it. Because if I do lose it my life is effectively over. I can't let that happen.
As far as my car I don't know what I'm going to do. There are a few things I'm going to check but it seems likely that it's not a cheap fix and putting any decent amount of money into this car is a bad idea. It's just too old and has too many things wrong with it. At least for now I don't have anywhere to go that's not really close by. Well, I guess I technically do but that's for other people and it's just not gonna get done. I'll explain the same stuff to everyone involved and they can get mad or hate me or blame me or whatever they wanna do. I know what I have to do. I will have to figure out something by the 23rd of next month when my next Suboxone appointment is. I can't miss it and I know driving this car to Cullman again is the stupidest thing I can possibly do. But that gives me a month to figure things out.
So yeah, through all this I feel surprisingly calm. For whatever reason I know exactly what needs to happen so I stand the best chance of keeping my life intact. That's a rare thing for me. I guess I've learned a lot about life in the last few months. Partly thanks to experience, partly thanks to you guys, and partly thanks to Saki.
Today I had a tremendous amount to do. I had to go to Cullman and go to my Suboxone appointment, go to the pharmacy, go to the courthouse to get marriage/divorce certificates that Medicaid wants for their investigation of mom's finances, go to the health department for a death certificate for the same reason and lastly go to Wal-Mart and by mom a cell phone. Actually writing it out it doesn't seem like that much... but I've only been holding on by a thread these last few weeks and I've been dreading today. On top of that I didn't know where either the Courthouse or the health department was and my GPS doesn't want to work. On top of that of course it's ridiculously hot and I have no A/C in my car. And lastly on top of that I know my car could tear up at any time.
My car could tear up at any time. Yep, that feeling was right because it basically has. I made it to my appointment okay and got my medicine, and I made it to the courthouse. I was only able to get one of the documents they wanted(the divorce certificate for my mom's marriage to my dad). By that point I was fried from the heat and the inevitable finally hit. My car is basically fragged. It will go, but barely. Anytime you have to accelerate it just completely cuts out and dies. I stalled at literally about 20 different intersections today and nearly caused accidents several times. Every time I had to stop when I went to go again it stalled and I just basically had to randomly mash the accelerator, let off, mash it, let off until I could get back up to speed. I knew there was no way I could make it to the health department which was way out of the way but I did go to Wal-Mart and get mom's phone because it was on the way home anyway. Coming home wasn't as bad because there is less stop and go but I still stalled on several hills and dropped to like 25MPH in a 55 zone several times.
So at this point I can't make a trip like that in my car anymore. I could drive it around my local town which is only like a few blocks but that's it. Going any further would be tremendously dangerous both because I might have an accident and because the car might tear up completely. I'm not sure what's wrong with it, there is some things I'm going to check but this car is forever old(1993) with 250k miles and it's never been in good condition. I think it's basically just done.
I think though that I would have reached the conclusion I've reached even if that hadn't happened. I'm not cut out for this. I'm not good at the things that make the world go round. I never have been, not without help. On top of that I have to deal with SO MUCH MORE ***** than average people do. Every five seconds some catastrophe is happening. I'm very surprised I've made it this far. There is really only one thing keeping me going at this point and that's the support of my friends and Saki. Hell, that's the only thing that's been keeping me going for a while now.
I can barely keep my own ***** together and do the things I need to do to keep my own barely functional life situation intact. I mean just barely. You've no idea how many close calls I've had with almost not paying ***** on time, not getting to where I'm supposed to be, not having the house clean, not doing XYZ stupid thing I must do to avoid winding up on the street or worse. I've realized it now. I can only just BARELY keep my own ***** together. I'm not even sure if I can do that. But I do know this - I can't deal with anything but my own stuff from now on.
I can no longer be the "Medicaid Sponsor" for mom and drive all over the ***** world finding esoteric documents they want. I can no longer try to help my sister or my niece with their problems. I can no longer source things that mom wants bought with her money or manage her finances, or any of that *****. I can't make promises to anyone to do anything for any reason. It's as simple as that. Doing so has been putting way too much stress on me and it's a miracle I haven't broken by now. But I finally see today - it will literally be a ***** miracle if I manage to keep my own ***** together and nothing else. There is simply no way for me to succeed if I continue adding more work for myself the way I've been doing.
And you know what? I don't feel bad about it at all. As far as mom - I put in my time. I took care of her alone for five ***** years. I'm really sorry if the others don't do as good of a job as they should but I can't be responsible for that any more. I know you guys have told me that 100 times but I just couldn't let it go. But I have now. Beyond that it seems like it should be really simple to keep my own ***** together. It should be. But my pain has gotten so much worse that even going to the ***** grocery store for 20 minutes wrecks me. I can't keep my house straight, I can't cook for myself, half the time I can barely get through a bath. And my sleep disorder on top of that means most of the times I have to commit to doing X at Y time I won't have slept at all because I can't control when my body lets me sleep. Of course that makes things 10 times more difficult. And for whatever reason the world wants to constantly ***** on me far more than it does most people. I know everyone has problems and a lot of people have ***** lives but God damn. I cannot deny at this point anymore that things are just legitimately extremely unfair for me. Moreso than others. I don't know why. But they are. I've never said that before and I hope you don't take that as some sort of "pity party." Surely you guys can see the same truth.
So from now on I'm only going to focus on me. I'm only gonna worry about the things that directly affect my life and nothing else. Some people are gonna be pissed at me for that but let them. I dare them to be after I took care of things alone for 5 years. I'm sorry that my sister is having a legitimately difficult period in her own life right now but you know I had a LOT of difficult periods during those 5 years and I still had to do it. I'm sorry if she decides that she just can't do it either and so it doesn't get done and mom suffers. That's all out of my hands. If I continue like this I will certainly fail at my own life and then I wouldn't be useful for anyone else anyway. So now my base goal is simply to ensure that I have my own place to live and the bills are paid and my pets are taken care of. That's it. Everything else is out of my hands. I just can't do anymore than that.
I know I've been legitimately trying my very best and harder than I ever have. That's why I can say this now and not feel bad about it. I've never truly put my entire being into holding things together by myself before and now that I have I've seen firsthand that I'm just not very good at it. It's not my fault, I definitely didn't choose to be this way. I hate that it's like this, but I don't hate myself because I know if I could make things different I would. Fundamentally I know that in order to be remotely mentally stable and okay I need my own place to live that belongs to me(not somewhere like a jail or hospital or group home or any of that.) I have to hold on to that. I have to put all my focus in to that one thing to make sure I stand the best chance possible of holding on to it. Because if I do lose it my life is effectively over. I can't let that happen.
As far as my car I don't know what I'm going to do. There are a few things I'm going to check but it seems likely that it's not a cheap fix and putting any decent amount of money into this car is a bad idea. It's just too old and has too many things wrong with it. At least for now I don't have anywhere to go that's not really close by. Well, I guess I technically do but that's for other people and it's just not gonna get done. I'll explain the same stuff to everyone involved and they can get mad or hate me or blame me or whatever they wanna do. I know what I have to do. I will have to figure out something by the 23rd of next month when my next Suboxone appointment is. I can't miss it and I know driving this car to Cullman again is the stupidest thing I can possibly do. But that gives me a month to figure things out.
So yeah, through all this I feel surprisingly calm. For whatever reason I know exactly what needs to happen so I stand the best chance of keeping my life intact. That's a rare thing for me. I guess I've learned a lot about life in the last few months. Partly thanks to experience, partly thanks to you guys, and partly thanks to Saki.